How to Handle 'Lying of Omission': 5 Strategies from the Experts
Lies of omission undermine foundational trust and vulnerability in relationships, leading to a loss of authenticity, relationship stagnancy, and an environment of distrust.
Dr. Sean Flannery
- Lying by omission can deeply erode trust, affecting both personal and professional relationships.
- To reduce lies of omission, focus on enhancing your listening skills and expressing your feelings using "I" statements.
- Setting clear expectations with others and conveying information honestly helps build enduring trust.
If you want to build trusting relationships, it's important to understand how 'lying of omission' works. These subtle lies involve intentionally withholding crucial information, and can damage both your personal and professional connections. In this article, we explore the emotional costs associated with lies of omission and outline 5 strategies recommended by psychologists and therapists to address them.
Understanding Lies of Omission
Lying by omission happens when someone chooses not to share important information, giving a misleading impression about a situation. Unlike outright lies, where false statements are made, lying by omission involves involve leaving out facts that would lead to a different understanding by the listener.
Lies of omission can also be a form of self-destructive behaviour when the individual’s motive is to sabotage relationships, either consciously or subconsciously. This behavior may stem from feelings of unworthiness, fear of intimacy, or deep-seated guilt that drives them to push others away.
Examples
- In Personal Relationships: Imagine a person who spends an unusually long time out with friends but only mentions that they went out. They aren’t lying about going out; they are just omitting how long they were out who they were with.
- In Professional Settings: Consider an employee who reports that their project is complete, omitting that it only reached completion because a teammate unexpectedly stepped in to help finalize critical aspects.
- In Medical Contexts: A doctor might tell a patient that a procedure is routine and safe, omitting that there are rare but significant risks involved. This might lead the patient to consent to the procedure without fully understanding all potential risks.
Emotional Cost of Lying by Omission
When someone chooses to withhold information, it's not just the person in the dark who suffers; the person lying by omission often experiences significant emotional costs as well. When these costs are severe, it can lead to a state known as negative sentiment override, where negative emotions cloud judgment about your partner's intentions.
Effects on Liars
- Guilt: Individuals who lie by omission often grapple with guilt. This internal conflict arises because they are aware of the dishonesty involved in withholding vital information.
- Anxiety: The stress of potentially being found out can cause considerable anxiety. This is heightened by the need to keep their story consistent over time.
- Depression: The emotional strain from managing withheld information and living with the fallout of a possible future discovery can contribute to depression.
Effects on Those Deceived
- Betrayal: Discovering that someone has withheld important information can feel like a betrayal, which can be deeply hurtful and damaging to personal and professional relationships.
- Loss of Trust: Trust is fundamental to any relationship, and once it's broken, it can be very difficult to rebuild. This erosion of trust can lead to ongoing issues in relationships.
- Mental Health Decline: Feelings of betrayal and mistrust can lead to mental health issues, including stress, anxiety, and depression. The deceived person might constantly question other aspects of the relationship or other relationships, amplifying these mental health challenges.
Strategies to Mitigate Emotional Costs
- Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT can help liars address the patterns of thought that lead to omission and develop healthier ways of managing stress and guilt.
- Mindfulness-Based Therapy: Engaging in mindfulness encourages greater awareness and presence, which can reduce the propensity to omit information as a knee-jerk reaction to uncomfortable situations.
- Interpersonal Therapy (IPT): For those deceived, IPT can be particularly useful to process feelings of betrayal and navigate rebuilding trust in relationships.
Percentage of individuals in each country who report engaging in dishonest behavior.
Trust Erosion in Relationships
Trust is a vital component in all relationships, whether personal or professional. Lies of omission erode this trust in a significant and long-lasting manner. Dr. John Gottman, an expert in relationship science, holds that trust is the foundation of the 7 principles that make marriage work.
In personal relationships, trust erosion can surface in subtle ways but with severe consequences. For instance, if your partner fails to disclose a significant debt it could later surface during financial planning. This might then lead to conflict and a profound sense of betrayal. You might start questioning past statements, leading to a cascade of distrust and suspicion in other areas of the relationship.
Expert Opinions
Experts in relationship dynamics emphasize that trust, once weakened, takes substantial time and effort to rebuild. Dr. Jane Greer, a marriage and family therapist, notes that "the act of omission might seem less severe than a direct lie, but it can actually cause deeper damage because it creates ongoing patterns of doubt that are harder to resolve." She stresses that transparency is crucial in mending the battered trust.
Research indiates that lies of omission cause more than just immediate trust issues; they impact the overall quality of interactions going forward. The research points out that trust is not just about believing that the other party will not lie or cheat, but also about believing that they will share all necessary information.
Ethical Challenges
Lies of omission present significant challenges across various settings, challenges that are shaped by societal norms and specific professional codes. Different cultures and professional environments handle the balance between disclosure and omission in different manners, which can result in a nuanced definition of what is considered ethical.
Cultural Contexts
Different cultures have varied perspectives on what constitutes an ethical breach when it comes to omitting the truth. In some cultures, withholding information is seen as a sign of respect or protection, aimed at shielding another person from harm or discomfort. For example, in many Eastern cultures, not revealing bad news is considered a way to maintain harmony and avoid direct conflict. However, in many Western cultures, honesty and transparency are highly valued, even if the truth might be uncomfortable or lead to conflict.
Professional Settings
In professional environments like medicine, law, and journalism, the implications of lying by omission can be far-reaching:
- Medicine: In healthcare, not disclosing full information to a patient about their medical condition or treatment options can lead to violations of informed consent. This omission can affect patient outcomes and trust in medical professionals.
- Law: Legal professionals must navigate the fine line between confidentiality and the duty to disclose relevant information to all parties involved. Failing to disclose information, even if intended to protect a client’s interests, can lead to judicial repercussions and a loss of professional credibility.
- Journalism: Journalists strive to report the complete story to the public. When facts are omitted, whether intentionally or not, the integrity of the information is compromised, leading to misinformation and potential public distrust.
Expert Strategies to Reduce Lies of Omission:
1. Cultivate Open Dialogue
Fostering an environment of open communication is pivotal in preventing lies of omission and enriching the overall health of your relationships. When your partner feels secure in sharing their thoughts and feelings openly, they're less likely to withhold important information.
Practical Tips for Open Dialogue
- Transparency: Make it a norm to share information openly and honestly with others. When transparency is a core value in your communication, it sets a precedent for all parties to be forthcoming with their information. This often fosters a mutual respect and a strong sense of self for you and others.
- Non-Judgmental Attitude: Create a supportive space where others can express their thoughts and feelings without fear of criticism. When people are not afraid of being judged, they're more likely to share openly and honestly.
- Clear Communication: Utilize straightforward and precise language in your interactions. Ambiguities can often lead to misunderstandings or incomplete information sharing, so clarity is crucial.
- Feedback: Establish a two-way feedback system that allows for constructive discussions on what is working and what isn’t. Being receptive to feedback can enhance communication and reduce misunderstandings.
- Empathy: Always strive to understand the emotions and perspectives of others. Acknowledging feelings can go a long way in building a relationship where people feel understood and less inclined to omit information.
- Regular Check-ins: Schedule consistent meetings or discussions to catch up on various matters, discuss concerns, and celebrate progress. Regular check-ins keep everyone aligned and informed, which diminishes the chances of information being inadvertently left unsaid.
2. Enhance Your Listening Skills
The Role of Active Listening
Active listening is more than just hearing words; it's about fully engaging with the speaker to grasp the totality of their message. This engagement is crucial in preventing misunderstandings and unintentional omissions that can harm relationships.
Why Active Listening Matters
- Prevents Miscommunication: By focusing intently on the speaker, you're less likely to miss key details. This thorough understanding can prevent gaps where omissions might occur.
- Encourages Transparency: People are more likely to share openly when they feel genuinely heard. Active listening fosters an environment of trust where both parties can communicate transparently.
- Detects Subtleties: Active listening involves noticing not just what is said, but how it's said. Catching these subtleties can often lead to recognizing when something is left unsaid.
Practical Strategies for Enhancing Listening Skills
- Give your full attention by putting aside distracting thoughts and avoiding multitasking. Look at the speaker directly and put away phones or other distractions to show that your entire focus is on the conversation.
- Show that you're listening through body language by nodding occasionally, smiling, and using other facial expressions. Ensure your posture is open and inviting.
- Provide feedback by reflecting on what is said through paraphrasing. Phrases like "What I'm hearing is," and "Sounds like you are saying," are great ways to clarify understanding.
- Defer judgment by not interrupting the speaker. Allow them to finish their points before asking questions, and avoid jumping to conclusions too quickly.
- Respond appropriately with a spirit of mutual respect. Be candid and open in your response, and assert your opinions respectfully.
- Ask clarifying questions if something isn’t clear. Opt for open-ended questions that prompt detailed responses.
- Practice empathy by trying to understand the speaker’s perspective beyond just their words. This deeper grasp of emotional undertones enriches the conversation.
3. Build Trust Over Time
Steps to Develop and Maintain Trust
Building trust over time in any relationship requires consistent and reliable behaviors. Here are some practical steps you can take to develop and maintain trust, ensuring healthy, transparent interaction with minimal lies of omission.
Steps to Build Trust in Relationships
- Establish Transparency from the Start: Transparency is vital in setting the tone for a trustworthy relationship. Be open about your feelings, thoughts, and expectations from the beginning.
- Keep Your Promises: Reliability builds trust. Ensure you follow through on commitments, as this consistency reassures your partner of your dependability and strengthens trust.
- Regular Communication: Communicate regularly and meaningfully. Frequent updates prevent misunderstandings that could arise from lack of information and allow for expression of opinions or concerns.
- Show Empathy and Understanding: Empathizing with your partner's situation boosts trust. When people feel understood, they’re more likely to share openly, reducing the chances of omissions.
- Create a Safe Space for Difficult Conversations: Sometimes, information is omitted because of fear of negative reactions. Create an environment where tough truths can be discussed without fear of judgment or retaliation.
- Practice and Encourage Honesty: Lead by example with your honesty, and celebrate when tough truths are shared. This reinforces the value of openness.
- Seek Feedback: Actively ask for feedback on how information sharing can be improved. This demonstrates commitment to transparency and invites your partner to do the same.
- Be Patient: Trust builds gradually. Recognize that growing trust takes time and is built on daily actions rather than grand gestures. Be patient with each other and the process.
4. Use 'I' Statements
Using 'I' statements to express feelings subtly yet powerfully changes the tone of conversations, making them less accusatory and more about personal feelings and experiences. When we use 'I' statements, we take ownership of our emotions, making it clear that we are speaking from our perspective.
Effective Use of 'I' Statements
- Start with 'I': Begin your sentences with 'I' to emphasize that you are talking about your feelings, experiences, or opinions.
- Express Feelings Clearly: Be specific about how you feel. Avoid vague language and clarify your emotions for better understanding.
- Provide Context: Give context to help your listener understand why you feel a certain way.
- Own Your Perspective: Acknowledge that your feelings and viewpoints are yours with phrases like "I think" or "I believe."
- Avoid Blaming Language: Focus on your feelings rather than the actions of others to keep the conversation constructive.
- Invite Dialogue: After sharing your feelings, encourage the other person to share their perspective to foster a balanced conversation.
5. Set Clear Expectations
Setting clear expectations in relationships serves as a foundational practice to prevent lies of omission. Clearly communicating these expectations involves discussing what should be shared openly so that you and others understand and agree on what is important and requires transparency.
Steps to Discuss and Agree on Expectations
- Begin with an open conversation, expressing the importance of honesty and openness in your relationship.
- Be specific about which topics and types of information should always be shared to prevent misunderstandings or hurt.
- Encourage mutual input, asking your partner for their perspectives and incorporating their feedback into the expectations.
Tips for Maintaining Openness
- Regular Check-Ins: Revisit and discuss the expectations you've set to accommodate changes in your relationship dynamics and ensure ongoing alignment.
- Use Simple Language: Use clear and understandable language when setting expectations to avoid any confusion or misinterpretation.
- Foster a Nonjudgmental Environment: Create a space where both partners feel safe to share their concerns and adjustments to expectations without fear of criticism.
Strategies for Adjusting Expectations
- Be Flexible: As relationships grow, be willing to adjust your expectations and discuss these changes openly.
- Provide Rationale: Explain why changes to expectations are necessary to help your partner understand and facilitate smoother transitions in maintaining trust.
Summary
Lies of omission have the potential to erode trust and create ethical dilemmas in relationships. The emotional costs of these lies affect both the deceiver and the deceived, highlighting the importance of transparency. Strategies such as cultivating open dialogue, enhancing listening skills, and expressing feelings with 'I' statements are vital for building and maintaining authentic communication. Setting clear expectations is a core approach to avoiding misunderstandings and fostering a trust-based environment.
If the issues discussed in this article resonate with you and you're looking for effective ways to enhance trust and communication in your relationships, consider reaching out for professional help. At Therapy Calgary Emotions Clinic, we offes a free 20-minute consultation - the first step towards navigating these challenges with the guidance of an experienced therapist. Contact us today to start your journey toward improved communication and stronger relationships.
